I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station