But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.