This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read