I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.