Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
