I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests