dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there