I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...