I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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