she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
