She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.