He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months