He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
