I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"