These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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