Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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