Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor