Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.