No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.