How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
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He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
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you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.