she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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