No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?