She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section