Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
