I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we