i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.