Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.