i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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