Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was