i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
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Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
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Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?