Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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