you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH