He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm fucking your sister right now.