we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.