dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"