dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
