i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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