Kiss
Puke
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
