If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people