Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."