I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.