im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
did i just pee glitter
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
