so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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