He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I'm fucking your sister right now.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes