The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?