You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."