my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This girl is more easily done than said...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too