She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Randomize
