When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i dont even know how to be here
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach