i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Dating After Heartbreak
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
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I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.