Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.