i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
