He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.