My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?