and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
